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President-Elect Employs “Guard Xenomorph” to Deter Would-Be Assassins?

Take a look at the image above, taken from Nigel Farage’s Facebook account. At first glance, it seems fairly innocuous, right? Just two populist, anti-establishment heroes, sticking it to the man and celebrating the triumph of the working classes, as they ride in a gold-plated lift. Yay for the little guys!

Admittedly, it’s not a particularly flattering photo. As a good friend of mine pointed out, Farage (note: we pronounce it to rhyme with “carriage”) looks remarkably like a teenager who’s just won a competition to meet his favourite pop star. Presumably something of a “quirky” pop star, perhaps taking inspiration from Lady Gaga and her infamous “meat dress”, as he has apparently chosen to wear a dead cat on top of his head, in place of a hat. It’s difficult to imagine the reason. Perhaps it’s a clever allegory for how America under Trump-Pence will be like a cat under the wheels of a truck.

But then, perhaps there’s more to this image than we realise. Look at Farage a little more closely. Doesn’t it look suspiciously like this teenage superfan is about to defend his pop star idol, by spitting acid at the oncoming US Colonial Marines? If Nigel is, in fact, a cunningly disguised xenomorph - of the new and exceptionally loathsome fer-de-lance strain - this would explain a lot.

His attitude towards people who are different from him, for one example. Why he’s the only British politician who seems to have either the ability or the inclination to get up close to Donald Trump, for another. And it’d also make perfect sense for Donald Trump to engage the services of such a bloodthirsty creature, given that the contempt in which he is generally held has, unsurprisingly, given rise to a spate of recent assassination threats.

Not to mention rumours abounding that Trump will be swiftly impeached by the Republican-controlled congress, in order to hand over the presidency to a more traditional strain of crazed, scientifically illiterate, and rampantly homophobic theocrat, in the form of Vice President-Elect, Mike Pence. It would seem Mr Trump has ample cause to desire protection, or a threatening presence at his side to act as a warning.

And if the xenomorphs truly wish to wipe out humanity, what better way to accomplish this than to ensure Donald Trump’s safe ascension to the most powerful political office on Earth? In any case, Trump and Farage together and "smiling" certainly makes for a nauseating photo opportunity.

It really ought to go without saying that this piece is satire. But, given Donald Trump’s apparent hobby of suing people over jokes, it might be safer to state explicitly, for the benefit of the terminally dim: this article is satirical, in as much as Nigel Farage is (probably) not a xenomorph and that monstrosity on Donald Trump’s head is (probably) not a dead cat.

Nothing satirical about the claim that the photo is nauseating though - I'd like to offer my sincerest apologies to anybody who vomitted after seeing it at the top of this article, but if you'd like to issue any formal public health complaints I suggest you address them to Mr Farage.

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