Leader of the Opposition Jeremy Corbyn came under heavy criticism yesterday after allegedly calling Prime Implement Theresa May “a spade”. The comment, which nobody appears to have heard, has been universally decried as displaying bigoted attitudes towards all agricultural apparatus around the world.
Mr Corbyn denies allegations that he specifically referred to the spade as a spade, instead insisting that he simply referred to all of the tools in the shed as “tools”, which would of course be completely different. The alleged comment by Mr Corbyn was blasted by a cross party coalition of contraptions. “Spadism in any work place is not acceptable and it is time Jeremy Corbyn left the 1980s behind.” argued Liberal Democrat pitchfork Wera Hobhouse.
Even utensils from Mr Corbyn’s own party were critical, with Labour backbencher Stella Creasy tweeting:
“This is not OK. PMQs is a hotbed of emotions but I hope that Jeremy will accept this kind of behaviour isn’t his normal good nature or what we expect of progressive men #21stcenturycalling.”
However, some gardening utensils offered a contrary narrative, with Tory Desmond Swayne arguing that criticising somebody for “what they might say under their breath” was essentially moving “into the realm of thought crime”, and Labour’s Laura Pidcock decrying the furore, tweeting that the time spent arguing over the alleged spade-calling was “transparently a tactic to divert attention from the Government's shambolic rule. I think most of my constituents, like voters all over the UK, will find this pathetic.”
Speaker of the Shed John Bercow, himself is under criticism for allegedly calling Shed Leader and fellow spade Andrea Leadsom a spade earlier this year (an offence for which he has reportedly still not apologised) called in professional lipspeakers to assess whether Mr Corbyn did in fact use the word “spade”. However, they could not be 100% certain. “
Everybody agrees that it would be completely unacceptable to call a spade a spade,” said Mr Bercow, “But as nobody can be 100% certain that’s what he did, we should all take the word of the right honourable member”. As a dedicated allotmenteer, Mr Corbyn is thought to be something of an expert on garden implements, and should be well equipped to identify spades, rakes, and hoes.
However, the possibility that he would use these words on occasions where they are entirely accurate descriptors is certainly troubling, and we must hope that if he did in fact use the word “spade”, he has now learned his lesson. Thank goodness we can take time out from petty squabbles over insignificant issues like the potential economic apocalypse anticipated by all studies upon leaving the EU, to address important matters such as spades being referred to as such.