Theresa May’s Plan B Scuppered By “Communication Issues”


Theresa May had yet another version of the exact same Withdrawal Agreement rejected today, amid concerns that her plan was not fully understood by EU ministers.

The revelation came shortly after the Prime Minster revealed the much anticipated “Plan B”, which looked a lot like Plan A, but with the ‘A’ crossed out and a ‘B’ written next to it.

The Prime Minister conducted the negotiations in the same way as any other interaction between the British and our European neighbours: exactly the same words, but in a louder voice so that the foreigners will understand. This usually clears up any misunderstanding, but it didn’t seem to work this time. “Perhaps they didn’t hear me properly,” she mused, regretting her earlier decision to grant the Westminster telecoms contract to Seaborne Ferries.

It was a firm ‘no’ from the EU before MPs even got to see the new agreement, yet May was determined to debate the ‘new’ plan in Parliament. She said it was “clear the government’s approach had to change. And it has.” Indeed it has – instead of returning with a new agreement, the Prime Minister’s method is to repeat the same question again and again until she either gets the answer she wants, or time runs out.

“Given the importance of this issue we should all be prepared to work together to find a way forward,” she announced. But MPs were sceptical. “This is literally the same document we voted on last week,” said a Westminster source, “but with all the dates tippex-ed over and re-written with today’s date in ballpoint pen”.

But Mrs May was quick to allay the fears of MPs who had bothered to give the document more than a cursory glance. “I have listened to colleagues across parliament from different parties and with different views,” she assured ministers before mumbling “strong and stable, strong and stable” over and over again.

The Prime Minister promised to return to Brussels for further talks on the Irish Backstop and extending Article 50, but her calls to EU ministers kept going to voicemail. “Nous ne pouvons pas venir au téléphone maintenant, nous laisser un message et nous vous contacterons après le 29 mars”.

Satire - in case anyone hadn't realised...

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