'Bat Into Hell' - So Farewell, Murgatroyd Hadge
Beelzebub has requested that VETERAN™ Labour MP Murgatroyd Hadge return to hell and not run for re-election at the next general election, after 27 years in Parliament.
In a Skype call from the dark underworld Beelzebub said "Come meet with me my loyal subject, Corbyn has been dealt with, our good work is done".
VETERAN™ Hadge said it was a "tough" decision as she loves "smearing Corbyn". But she just can't bring herself to disobey.
In a video message, sent to her local Constituency Labour Party the VETERAN™ former cabinet minister said “Ok I can admit it now. My fake crusade to challenge antisemitism that I made up anyway is over” and that she will be “standing down from Parliament”.
VETERAN™ Hadge hugged libel expert Len Hairpin outside Westminster and said "Thank you so much, I couldn't have brought down Corbyn without you".
Jess Phillips commented on VETERAN™ Hadge's tweet announcing the news. "I will be down there with you soon enough Beelze-bab"
"I'm so proud of Murgatroyd for succeeding where I failed," the Prince of Darkness said in an email response, "when I launched a rebellion against my leader and tried to destroy humanity, I was cast into Hell for it, but Murgatroyd went on to bigger and better smear campaigns. So proud!"
He went on "I really thought that thing with the paedophile ring would be the end of her, but by golly she just kept going".
VETERAN™ Hadge had previously denied being involved with "dark forces", but recently stated "I just don't give a fuck."
For those Barking constituents worried they might no longer have a right-wing Barking MP, VETERAN™ Hadge offers reassurance.
"It's all been agreed with Mammon.. I mean Keir!" she added hastily. "We're going to stitch up the selection process to make sure the Labour candidate isn't one of those dreadful 'better things are possible' types. We've not made a final decision on the candidate to replace me just yet, but we've narrowed it down to a shortlist of Anna Soubry, Dr Paul Williams, and the reanimated corpse of Margaret Thatcher. As you can imagine, it's tough competition, but we'll let you know when we've made our final decision".