And Just Like That, A Wave Of Antisemitism Swept Britain The Moment Corbyn Started A New Party

"A new kind of politics? Quick, get the hammer!"

Just days after Jeremy Corbyn launched his new political party with MP Zarah Sultana—attracting over 300,000 supporters in record time—Britain was suddenly gripped by a mysterious and totally spontaneous resurgence in reported antisemitism. The timing, say experts who prefer not to be named, is “undoubtedly, unquestionably, probably not suspicious at all.”

In scenes eerily similar to 2015, the moment Corbyn’s name began trending for anything other than jam-making or train seating, anonymous Twitter bots and a handful of headlines declared that antisemitism had returned like Halley’s Comet - but only visible to those with a press pass or a seat at a think tank roundtable. One tabloid columnist went as far as to suggest the outbreak occurred “the instant Corbyn opened a Google Doc”

This development coincides - purely coincidentally - with the Labour Party leadership enjoying a brief moment of post-election calm. Now, with the left organising independently, political media has - again, purely coincidentally - rediscovered its moral panic muscle.

“You can set your watch by it,” said one former Labour member. “The minute Corbyn so much as opens a falafel stall, antisemitism magically skyrockets”

BBC segments have already started appearing with serious piano music and grainy footage of Corbyn walking slowly past graffiti from 2003. Pundits on flagship shows are warning of “entryism” - a term once used for Trotskyists infiltrating Labour, now helpfully applied to anyone who thinks people shouldn’t starve.

Newsnight staff - what's left of them - are already dusting off that hat background and fetching out the box of pearls for guests to clutch.

Critics of the new party are concerned it may provide a “safe haven” for people who own Palestinian flags, think billionaires shouldn't exist, or have liked a spicy tweet in 2016.

Not to be left out, social media has been flooded with recycled screenshots, wildly out-of-context posts, and enough red circles and arrows to make a flat-earth forum proud. “It’s just astonishing,” said a centrist commentator, “how Jeremy Corbyn continues to attract people who think he was smeared”

When asked if any of the new party’s 300,000 sign-ups had actually said anything antisemitic, he replied, “That’s not the point. The point is they might”

Of course, legitimate concerns about antisemitism deserve serious treatment, scrutiny, and redress. But oddly, they seem to vanish entirely the moment Corbyn is out of the picture - only to resurface again with clockwork precision when he reappears.

This pattern has become so consistent that some analysts are calling for Ofcom to classify it as Britain’s fifth season, somewhere between “wet summer” and “everything on fire”

As Corbyn’s party gains momentum, one thing is certain: whether it succeeds or not, there will always be one constant in British politics. When the left starts to organise, someone will start counting headlines, and antisemitism will once again rise - not in data, but in column inches.

Because, of course, it’s all just a coincidence. Every single time.