Keir Starmer 'Sets Own House on Fire' To Prove He’s More Persecuted Than Tommy Robinson

“It’s about the feeling - that damp, slightly itchy crust of British fascism”

In a spectacular bid to outdo Tommy Robinson in the Olympics of victimhood, Sir Keir Starmer allegedly torched his own London townhouse - immediately blaming “Antisemitic Corbynite hard-left Trotsky entryists” and proclaiming himself “more persecuted than Tommy Robinson has ever been.” Neighbours report he stood in front of his blazing front garden, fist aloft, first belting out “God Save the King” and then pivoting to an impromptu chant of “Oh Tommy, Tommy, Robinson,” his trademark quiff crowned in smoke.

With Nigel Farage comfortably enthroned as Britain’s premier populist demagogue, Starmer has embarked on a full-throttle makeover: from centrist lawyer to proto-fascist firebrand. From selling England-flag boxer shorts on GB News to puffing Amber Leaf rollups in a hot-rock-burned Lacoste tracksuit, Sir Keir is determined to prove he can out-fash the Brexit boss himself and even Tommy Robinson.

Popping up on GB News with the gravitas of a clearance-rail hawker, Starmer unveiled his “patriotic polyester” shorts live on air. “It’s not about the fabric,” he lectured a bewildered Alastair Stewart. “It’s about the feeling - that damp, slightly itchy crust of British fascism” Cameras caught him briefly 'pleasuring himself' in true flag shagger fashion as he sold them for a bargain price: two for £9.99.

Later, clad in the same patriotic undergarments, he hit a windswept Dover beach alongside currently Reform MP Lee Anderson. The pair solemnly scoffed Greggs' sausage rolls and drank cans of Stella - “the true emblem of Englishness,” Anderson declared - while Starmer spat out crumbs and hollered, “We must reclaim our flag from the far-right by being more far right than them! We must out-Farage Farage!” he roared, aiming his crossbow at a passing RNLI dinghy - just in case.

To cement his populist credentials, Starmer emphatically denied ever backing the EU - or making any “leftist pledges” - despite years of evidence to the contrary. Lighting up a fag and clutching another Stella after throwing the first can away the beech, he proclaimed, “My dad was a fucking toolmaker man. I’m proper one of the lads. Oh Tommy! Tommy!” Puffing at his ciggy, he bellowed, “I’m just like you lot! I hate red tape and I love shagging flags!

During the subsequent Met Police investigation, officers found Starmer wandering near the charred remains of his home, muttering something about “Marxist arsonists” and demanding extra security to guard his new status as Britain’s most persecuted patriot. “Tommy Robinson has nothing on me,” he sniffed, waving an EDL handkerchief signed (well, marked with an 'X') by Danny Tommo.

"It's not even my pants - call the Fire Brigade!"

Whether torching his property, hawking EDL boxer shorts on GB news, or staging seaside sausage-festivals ranting about migrants and grooming gangs, Keir Starmer has embraced a gaudy, fever-pitched campaign to out-right-wing the right.

But one thing’s for sure: when it comes to theatrical desperation, he’s left Tommy Robinson muttering to his fascist fanclub on the prison phone:

"He's fucking out fashing me man and its affecting my donations and I'm hardly getting any coke smuggled in on visits! He's even walking around Westminster begging people to throw milkshakes over him to try and be like me and he's left me fucking skint. I'm even relying on prison issue brew bags, all while people are starting to chant. Oh Keefy Keefy Keefy Robinson!".