Starmer Denies He's A Closet Racist Pandering to the Far Right Because His Butler Is Black

In a stunning press conference from the drawing room of his modest North London estate - next to a slightly confused-looking man in a tuxedo - Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer firmly denied accusations of pandering to far-right sentiment, pointing out that his butler, Reginald, is “actually black, thank you very much”.

“I think that should settle the matter,” Starmer said, as Reginald pours him a fair-trade Earl Grey tea with visible reluctance.

The denial comes after weeks of public criticism over Labour’s increasingly ambiguous stance on immigration, protest rights, and other topics once exclusively monopolised by the Daily Mail comment sections.

While Starmer insisted he is simply trying to appeal to “real British values,” political analysts have noted that his definition of said values seems to closely mirror those of Nigel Farage and Nick Griffin.

“I am not racist,” Starmer clarified, “I just think people are tired of woke nonsense, multiculturalism that isn’t approved by a focus group in Luton, and trade unions acting like they have rights or something”.

When asked whether aligning with right-wing talking points could alienate traditional Labour supporters, Starmer blinked twice and stared off into the middle distance, suppressing a shudder as though remembering a time - long, long ago - when the Labour Party stood for workers rather than polling data.

Meanwhile, his butler Reginald, who holds a master’s degree in political science and has been trying to unionise the household staff, the maids, and the chef to go on strike, gives a weary sigh.

“He keeps saying he’s a man of the people, but I haven’t seen him do his own laundry since the pandemic. And even then, it was only for the photo-op”.

"Most of the time he doesn't even bother sending the clothes to be cleaned - he just throws them away and calls Lord Something-or-other to send a new lot".

As critics continue to accuse Starmer of trying to outflank the Conservatives by becoming them, he remains unfazed:

“Look,” he said, adjusting his Union Jack lapel pin, “some of my best hired help are minorities. I even once took a train to Birmingham. If that’s not solidarity, I don’t know what is”.

At press time, Starmer was reportedly considering a new campaign slogan:

“New New Labour: Slightly Less Racist Than the Tories with Jess Phillips and Lisa Nandy's total support. Probably”.

I will wait for the coup in the national interest. Still waiting...