Saj Secret Exposed - Javid Is Labour 'Sleeper'
Outraged Conservatives are demanding the resignation of Home Secretary Sajid Javid, after shock evidence emerged that he is a supporter of the Labour Party.
Javid, 48, has been pictured on numerous occasions sitting comfortably just a few feet away from the Labour front bench - and within metres of Labour firebrand Dennis Skinner, the legendary 'Beast of Bolsover'.
Proof positive - Javid was within metres of Labour
Perhaps the most damning evidence came last year, when he was caught on camera standing less than two feet from Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn - irrefutable proof that he must share Corbyn's political views and values. And those of London Mayor Sadiq Khan, who can be seen in the background. And the two policeman, and the man in the funny hat.......
It is also alleged that Javid has visited Highgate Cemetery - obviously in order to lay a wreath at the tomb of Karl Marx, and possibly a small bouquet for Ralph Miliband, father of 'Red Ed' and David (widely rumoured to be a sleeper of the opposite persuasion)
A high-profile Labour source has confirmed the rumour, saying: "He's been undercover so long, the way he's worked to stay in character has been above and beyond the call of duty - even some people on our own side believe he actually is a duplicitous Tory gobshite! It shows real commitment to his socialist principles - we call him 'Red Saj'"
Javid was born in Rochdale, but moved to Bristol as a child, and is believed to have been radicalised by walking just a few miles away from hippy Marxists at the 1984 Glastonbury Festival.
Capitalising on the Conservatives' desperation to be more 'inclusive' he found an easy welcome as the notoriously racist party scrabbled to recruit 'more brown people'.
His steely nerve and natural lying ability stood him in good stead over the years, rising through several Cabinet positions, and finally reaching the pinnacle earlier this year, when he was appointed Home Secretary to try and distract people from the ongoing Windrush scandal - despite having voted for the very 'hostile immigration' policy which caused it.
Conservatives are devastated by the news. "It's a despicable betrayal!" said Tarquin Sneeringly - Sloane, of Lickey End, in Javid's Bromsgrove constituency,
"But you can't argue with the evidence - there's absolutely no way he could be that close to those people unless he totally agreed with everything they believe"
"We've voted for him since 2010! My wife Matilda was in tears, and the children are scared to go to school in case people think they're secret socialists"
"Looking back, we should have smelt a rat when he started carrying that red folder around"
"I don't think he should resign, he should be sacked - in fact, the bounder should be tarred and feathered!"
At the time of writing, the awesomely dedicated Javid was STILL trying to maintain his 'Tory gobshite' persona - loyally tweeting year-old discredited Daily Mail lies, and even suggesting Jeremy Corbyn should not be Labour leader.
His efforts were highlighted by an army of socialist tweeters, who criticised him in their hundreds - a possible ploy to try and convince the nation of his genuine Tory-ness - including a 'like' from the account below, clearly a Russian bot....
It is rumoured that Sajid will be welcomed back to the Labour fold with a triumphant appearance at the Labour Party Conference in Liverpool later this month.
A statement is expected from crumbling Prime Minister Theresa May, who is currently believed to be either a) crying in the lavatory or b) wondering whether she has time to write her resignation before the next bit of midden hits the windmill.
Just in case anyone has reached the end of this piece without having realised it has been a spoof, a parody, a joke, not intended to be believed as true - it's a spoof.